I was someone who was always reaching, stretching, striving to be more than I already was. I was always scrambling to be three, or maybe ten, steps ahead. I was rushing to catch up to myself. Mostly this was a feeling of not being good enough where I was, I was pushing to be where I thought I was going to be something be better.
I can tell you I never caught up. More often than not, I broke down. I exhausted myself in failing to achieve the impossible. What made things worse, was when I failed or fell apart, I wasn’t graceful or generous with myself about it. I was harsh, cruel, and unforgiving.
What changed? I stopped believing that I wasn’t okay the way I was. I started accepting that I am quite limited and I started respecting those limits. It was humbling to say the least, but quite a painful process. I stopped being afraid to be myself and my full spectrum of feelings: powerful and weak, strong and soft, capable and needing help. I began to enjoy the ride of ups and downs, feeling that I could enjoy them because I was certain of myself as I rode this ride.
What I have found now that I am not on the run all the time is that I really enjoy and like myself. I have found my sense of humor again, my lightness of heart and mind, and my playfulness. I also have found that I am more intelligent and wiser than I had ever imagined. I noticed that when I feel my emotions, there is this amazing richness; and in that richness, a deep capacity for connecting with others.
My deepest longing of my whole life was to feel connected with others. The only way I was able to develop and trust these connections was to be in deep trust and connection with myself. The more I allow myself to feel my way through my life, the more I am able to connect with others as they move through their own life’s journey. My whole life’s purpose, journey, meaning, intention – whatever one wants to call it – is in service, so that I can help others to also find their own way through this world.
I am finding that my life’s existence has become the living example of how to look one’s own shadow in the eye and show it how much it is loved, appreciated, and needed. If I can go from being unlovable to deep unconditional love for myself, then anyone else certainly can. Are you ready to live?
If you would like to learn more about how to love yourself unconditionally, I can be reached at (209) 993-7102.