Being married to a medicine man was a true test of my spiritual awakening in balance with this modern reality. The more I grew and understood the spiritual nature of energy, the less I understood about this place of duality. I struggled to keep up with the 9-5 job while offering deep spiritual guidance and healing to those that came for help.
I found that I was feeling trapped, unable to move forward in the modern life and often feeling not aware enough to be of true service to those that were seeking help. I was in love with my husband, but also found that I had become emotionally dependent on him.
I didn’t know who I was without him. I took the biggest leap of my life and walked away from my emotional crutch, the man I loved. By leaving him and that whole way of life, I had chosen my death. I broke vows that were not reversible. Spiritually, I did not expect to live.
I was terrified, feeling more alone and isolated than ever. I felt lost, scared, directionless, and I had no clue what I believed in anymore. Walking into my future was like aimlessly stumbling down a hot road looking for water, not realizing I had my water bottle in my hand the whole time.
My wandering led me back to an old friend from high school who I hadn’t talked with in over 15 years. He had been living in Thailand, why didn’t I stop by? I had never traveled far from my home state, let alone the other side of the world. I didn’t know how easy it was to travel. Anxious fear was vibrating through my body. But, what did I have to lose? I could die here crossing the road just as easily as I could in a far away place on a wild adventure.
I admit that my time in Thailand had the potential to be adventurous and freeing, but I was so scared and untrusting of myself, that I barely was able to enjoy the ride. I spent my time tense and hyper observant, preventing me from enjoying the exoticness of it. After a week with my friend, I took an even bigger risk and traveled deeper into the country for another week, alone.
That week on my own taught me something about myself I have never forgotten. I am alive, capable, and excited. That tense fear was actually excitement that I had never recognized before. I wanted more. I could live in a way that was more aligned to my true nature and feel thrilled at all that brought me.
I came home to discover that I was desperate to help other people free themselves from the fear, sorrow, hurt, and confusion that life offers us. I found that life also offers joy, hope, love, and peacefulness. Thailand was my burial and birthing ground. I was worthy of all my emotions, the dark and light. Being present to them has made my life so rich and compassionate.
My desire to help others heal led me to Reiki classes, Energy Therapies, then Shamanic training. It was in the Shamanic course that I was struck by the desire to travel to Peru. Without knowing anyone, I arrived with a longing to heal and learn even more. I sought out Incan Shamans to learn from them and receive their healing gifts.
It was in Peru that I realized that I was my own Shaman, my own guru. In meeting a Santa Ria Babalawo Priest, the 5 ceremonies I did with him nearly cost me my soul. The moment I discovered this, I knew I could trust myself to be guided by my own inner light. I would never give my power away to another person again.
My longing to give back deepened further. Using my newly forming practice as a healer, I donated the proceeds to purchase school supplies, dental hygiene products, books, and educational toys all of which would benefit others much more than me. Alone again, I traveled to La Chureca of Nicaragua to feed the children living there. Once there, I bought food and diapers, traveling to the slums to deliver the one meal they would eat that day.
Nicaragua was terrifying, unsafe, and chaotic. After this, I had become so sick from the heat and the food that I had found I was frozen inside, unable to express my terror or offer any love. This was a palpable understanding of what a war torn, impoverished country has done to its people. There was so little hope to hold onto.
Coming home was a thawing out process, a true sense of PTSD. I got a lot of support through my healing community, something I had never had before. During the time before, I had been so alone, confused, and scared. However, learning to reach out for help, finding that there was help to be had, was the most humbling experience.
Vulnerability was something I had been throwing myself into for years now, but I didn’t hold it as vulnerable. Walking into a deeply spiritual way of life for love, traveling to foreign countries alone, stepping out into life with little else but my heart to guide me, I was pretending to be tough, certain, and secure. This always left me exhausted and confused. I was more vulnerable than I could have imagined.
Giving myself permission to lean into my community taught me that vulnerability was my deepest strength. I was connected, loved, and encouraged. Resting in these feelings allowed me to discover that I felt similarly about myself, for the first time ever. I loved me, admired my ability to keep walking forward, appreciated my willingness to keep trying to find more meaning.
I wanted to further deepen my understanding on how to be of service to others in their healing. I went onto study Transpersonal Hypnosis. I absolutely fell in love with all it was capable of. I could teach my clients to become their own guru! This is an amazing gift of service I am devoting my life to.
I was certain my life meant nothing when I left my stifling marriage. I was ready to pay the price of my own death for my longing of liberation. In many ways, in each of these countries, a part of me died and was buried in their sands. It was a journey of healing and discovery, traveling to these remote countries alone.
I know now my life has meaning and purpose. I finally know I matter. I have worked to build a practice of transformation for my clients. One where they can know themselves so purely with compassion and warmth, that they can’t help but to fall in love with themselves the way I had with myself.
As published at https://altershift.com/how-leaving-my-marriage-and-exploring-the-unknown-allowed-me-to-find-meaning/